Tomorrow...

I am surprisingly calm. I will find out the time of my surgery today and can plan accordingly. I have the phone/email tree set up. Tonight we will wash the sheets and get the bedroom ready for my return home on Saturday or Sunday. I will be getting my nails chopped down tonight and pick up some comfort items, as well as look for some Mederma to start putting on my wounds as soon as I can.

It's eery. I feel ready.

As I was putting on my bra today, I looked at it and thought - this is the last time I have to put this monster on. I get to throw them all away because they won't fit anymore. It was an odd feeling, like I am not going to be the same person. And I got excited. I think this was the first feeling of excitement I've had and it just pushed through all the anxiety. Even now, I smile.

I told a couple of people about this blog. I don't think I am quite ready to have all my regular readers know it's here. I am just writing for me, and I will link it when I am ready.

Big Deep Breaths.

Off to a new life...

Day After Tomorrow...

I am getting more and more scared. I think about the procedure and I almost start having a panic attack.

Oh, it's not the reduction that I am scared about... in fact, I am the most excited about being able to fit into a C cup again. It's just... well, I am a high risk patient and I am afraid I won't make it.

No one seems to understand these fears. Not even my partner. She tels me to cancel when I feel so scared.

But I believe it takes a little courage to change your life. If I don't face my fear, I can't gain anything from it. My boobs aren't going to reduce on their own. the outcome of the surgery will be life changing - changes that can't come otherwise.

I have to face my fears and leave it up to the Universe.

I am happy about a few things. The hospital has open visitng hours - probably because it's a cancer hospital. As long as I am feeling up to it, I can have visitors at 3 am. There is also a fold out bed for my partner to sleep in next to me, which makes me happy. No sleeping on couches.

All of my friends and family are being so supportive... I have a "Phone call Tree" already in place - there are so many people who want to know how I am doing after surgery. It's so sweet of all of them.

I think it will all work out in the end. No, I KNOW it will all work out. But it doesn't stop me from being scared. Maybe this is the first hurdle to overcome to reach my goal. If I don't jump it, I will never know how healthy and happy I could be.

3 Days and Counting

I've been reading a lot on the internet. I probably shouldn't. I think it's got me paranoid about complications. Of course I am worried about a lot of things, but I am really scared I am going to die on the table. I just have to push all those negative thoughts out of my head.

My partner and I have been fighting a lot lately. We even fought last night about the weight I was going to lose after the surgery. It's not that she doesn't believe in me, I think she just doesn't think I will do it. I think she is almost as scared as I am, but she shows it differently, and frankly, I need someone to be strong for me. I am falling apart.

I don't like pain, I don't like stitches and staples. I want to talk to my ex about all of this since she went through it, but I am afraid to call her. I'm just a basketcase mess.

I was asked today by a coworker to talk with her niece about having a reduction and what she can expect. I laughed and said I don't even know what to expect yet, but I would be happy to help!

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

The Journey Begins...

Wow. I have 4 days until surgery. I am not sure how I feel right now. I think I have gone over every conceivable scenerio in my head and I still feel unprepared.

When I started this process back in September, I guess I didn't think of how scared this surgery would make me. I mean, I have lived with large breasts all my life. They have been a staple of jokes and a part of my character for as long as I can remember. I jumped from a C cup to a D cup in high school and they have steadily gotten larger since then. Now, at 32, I am a conventional size 48DDD. My surgeon says I am more like a G.

I don't think I would have even thought much about a reduction until my back started bothering me so much. With a herniated disc as well as a bulging disc, it's amazing how much the weight in front affects everything. I tried doing water aerobics, and I fuoght my breasts more than I thought I would.

With the inactivity comes the secondary problem - weight gain. I don't feel like walking, jogging, working out. None of it appeals to me because my breasts generally get in the way.

Then, there is the asthetics of large breasts. Granted, large, voluptuous breasts are the envy of many women and the desire of even more men. In the last few years, however, I have realized that my breasts are ugly. The nipples are huge. I sag. When I sleep, I roll over on them and bruise them. My partner doesn't even enjoy them. It got to the point where I hated to get undressed because even I didn't want to look at them.

My journey took shape when I started searching for a surgeon. I actually googled her. The doctor performing my surgery has been a breast implant safety advocate and has actually spoken to the FDA regarding implants. Her record impressed me. When I met her, I immediately felt comfortable with her. Being younger, and a woman, I believed she would related to me far better than anyone else.

My surgeon is not a plastic surgeon. She is a reconstructive surgeon. She is not in it for the "pretty people." Her aim is to help those people who need it to change their lives. Immediately, she told me of the complications. She didn't sugarcoat a single thing. She ordered me to quit smoking or she wouldn't perform the surgery. She told me that I was the most high risk patient she's seen. She was real and blunt and honest and then very kindly said, "I will take your case. Let's get you feeling better." I literally cried in her office of relief.

She took the standard p0rn pictures, as I call them. Naked pictures of me are running around somewhere, I am sure. Headless, but naked nonetheless. She sent them to my insurance company and I settled in for a long wait. 4 days after she sent the pictures, I was approved for a medical breast reduction. FOUR DAYS! My surgeon said she had never seen such a quick approval. It will be covered 100% by my insurance company.

So now, after quitting smoking, the waiting has come down to 4 more days. I will be inpatient for the first night, maybe the second night, too, due to my high risk.

Today I am excited and scared. Let's see what tomorrow brings.